not to long ago i had to come out of my comfort zone and really look at things a different way and overcome the worry and nervous thoughts of traveling on my own.
i had to come back to uni before my little sisters 5th birthday so i had to try and get back home on my own so that i could see her as i have never missed her birthday and i have never missed any of her developmental stages. it was so hard waking up that morning knowing i had to travel back literally freaked me out.
it was 7:00am and i woke up and i felt as though i was frozen i couldn’t move my whole body felt as though it was stuck and i was only able to blink and think and it was almost like torture. i then took a deep breath in it felt as though i was lying there for days however i was probably only lying there for like 30 mins. i finally picked up the courage to get up. the only thing that made me feel better was the thought of seeing my baby sister who wasn’t expecting to see me was making me through the day.
i got up and got washed and dressed probably going so slowly cause it took me two hours i then sat back on my bed and laid down and worried about literally everything. like have i packed everything have i got enough time and i literally worried i could have got on the bus sooner but i kept panicking over the silliest of things possible.
i just laid on the bed and i watched YouTube for about 30 mins looked at the clock and though there is a bus in 10 mins but i thought i couldn’t do it carried on watching YouTube. after looking at the time at it being 11:00 i decided i had to go i got everything on and went to the door i stood at the door debating with myself whether i should go or whether i should ring and say i couldn’t make it.
i then took a deep breath in and left i walk to the bus stop and got on the bus. i walked all the way to the back of the bus and sat down worrying that everyone was looking at me and i had these horrid thoughts in my head about why are they looking at me, what have i done, do they know me, i felt so insecure at that point felt like i was on the bus for a lifetime but was only 15 minutes.
i then got of the bus and did the awkward fast walk to the station to try and not be noticed by anyone and i went to get my ticket. i had to use the ticket machine because the thought of being on my own talking to someone at the desk for the ticket too hard to do. i then got to the platform worrying i was going to miss the train but luckily i made it with 5 minutes to spare.
the train slowly pulled into the station and i was able to get on there and i found a seat as close to the door as possible and sat by the window and looked out and i was physically shaking and i rang my mum to let her know i was on my way back. i then sat and looked out of the window and worried about the change on the train to switch to go to where i needed to go.
we were pulling into the station and the tanoy said the train is delayed until a space is available for it and i had noticed i hadn’t had much time to try and get to the next train and i got really worried. i started breathing really heavily and started going dizzy.
the train eventually pulled into the station at the time my other train was due to leave i ran of the train worried i left something on the train and i kept running as i didn’t want to miss my sisters birthday but at the same time had the worry that i left something on the train.
luckily the next train was delayed too so i just made it as the door where about to close. i had a horrid feeling i was going to get trapped in the door and that worried me so much. however, i didn’t get trapped thankfully. i went and sat down again close to the door and by a window. not sure why i feel like seeing where i am going makes me feel a little bit better i guess.
we then carried on with the journey then got asked for my ticket. i then panicked again incase i lost my ticket or something was wrong and the lady was being recorded for some training purposes and that made me even more anxious however, because she was being recorded i had to try and keep calm so they didn’t noticed. thinking i would be used door training purposes really worried me. it was horrid on the inside i was breaking down but on the outside i had to act as though this was the best day of my life it really wasn’t.
eventually we got to my stop and i nearly forgot to get of the train but luckily i did just in time. i then had to do a two mile walk from the station to my house and i felt as though everyone was looking at me the whole time. i walked past people i know and a school full of children leaving on study break in year 10/11 (im only guessing this from the time and the fact it was the school a friend of mine went to and this seemed the most possible option).
i eventually got home i was very shaky but glad to have arrived safely. i set up the presents on the table for my little sister and i waited till it was time to pick her up and i spoke to my little brother, mum and nan for a while whilst we had lunch and it made me feel a little bit more relaxed. it was then time to go and get my sister.
i felt a little relaxed knowing where i was going and that i was with my family. we walked to the school gates all was going well and then my nan had a fall and she landed on her face and really hurt herself i panicked then worried about what was going to happen i then stepped up and got someone to get her help got mum to stay with her and went and got my sister.
my sister saw me and she ran up to me and cried she was so happy to see me. i had such a thrill seeing how happy she was to see me and i was so glad she was happy to see me and i feel that this made things all worth while for me to travel down to see her.
we then went over to the doctors and nan got checked luckily it was just bruising and not much else. we then went home and i got my sister to open her present from me and nan and she loved them all and she kept giving me hugs.
then we played some party games and then dad got home and gave presents from our other nan and great grandparents. something didn’t feel right i felt anxious again and i just put it down to me worrying about needing to go back to uni and the journey back. i then watched my sister open her stuff then went to pack my bag again and made sure i had everything i must have checked about 12 times then i walked into the kitchen to my dad telling me that my grandad had died and i just remember crying and i new something wasn’t right.
i at that point felt even worse more anxiety but i needed to get back to uni. with the thought of other things i had to check i had everything again cause i forgot if i had everything or not. i checked another 12ish times and dad rang me a taxi as he didn’t want me to walk in the dark on my own (which i really didn’t want to do myself anyway) i then checked twice more that i had everything and i said goodbye to my sister which was another horrible thing to do i hate leaving her but i have to to go to uni.
i got into the taxi worried about the journey back and upset about nan and my grandad and i hate being in a car with a stranger on my own as well i was physically shaking i hated every moment of it. i then got to the station early enough to get on the direct train back to uni which wasn’t to bad. i remember a friend of mine ringing me the whole journey back and me upset down the phone to her and i am so grateful for friends like this cause it was really what i needed at this moment.
my friend then offered to pick me up from the station and had a chat in the car on the way back which was lovely so i didn’t have to catch the bus on my own. i then got back to my room by roughly 9pm and my friend stayed till around 10ish and then i got ready for bed and i just couldn’t sleep i had to much going on in my head.
this was supposed to have been the best day seeing my baby sister (the little princess) turn five. however, it turned into an awful day and im glad she had a good day and i am glad i went home to see her as i would never be able to forgive myself if i didn’t go but some of the things that happened i felt awful.
having anxiety isn’t nice and i really do worry that it will effect me in more ways that one i know i managed to get home and back safely and it didn’t harm me physically but i feel i wont be able to go back on my own again because all the stuff that happened that day. i feel as though it was my fault all the bad stuff happened and i felt if i stayed at uni i would have been able to stop the bad stuff from happening.
however since this day i have been trying to think of things more positively and i feel i will eventually get there. i have spoke to the doctors and will probably speak to them again since i feel it isn’t getting any better. i urge people do speak out about these things i know its hard but sometimes it has to be done.
thankyou if you have read this far x