Story time;; TW !!!!a day in my life with anxiety!!!!

it was about a year ago i had to come out of my comfort zone and really look at things a different way and overcome the worry and nervous thoughts of traveling on my own.

i had to come back to uni before my little sisters 5th birthday so i had to try and get back home on my own so that i could see her as i have never missed her birthday and i have never missed any of her developmental stages. it was so hard waking up that morning knowing i had to travel back literally freaked me out.

it was 7:00am and i woke up and i felt as though i was frozen i couldn’t move my whole body felt as though it was stuck and i was only able to blink and think and it was almost like torture. i then took a deep breath in it felt as though i was lying there for days however i was probably only lying there for like 30 mins. i finally picked up the courage to get up. the only thing that made me feel better was the thought of seeing my baby sister who wasn’t expecting to  see me was making me through the day.

i got up and got washed and dressed probably going so slowly cause it took me two hours i then sat back on my bed and laid down and worried about literally everything. like have i packed everything have i got enough time and i literally worried i could have got on the bus sooner but i kept panicking over the silliest of things possible.

i just laid on the bed and i watched YouTube for about 30 mins looked at the clock and though there is a bus in 10 mins but i thought i couldn’t do it carried on watching YouTube. after looking at the time at it being 11:00 i decided i had to go i got everything on and went to the door i stood at the door debating with myself whether i should go or whether i should ring and say i couldn’t make it.

i then took a deep breath in and left i walk to the bus stop and got on the bus. i walked all the way to the back of the bus and sat down worrying that everyone was looking at me and i had these horrid thoughts in my head about why are they looking at me, what have i done, do they know me, i felt so insecure at that point felt like i was on the bus for a lifetime but was only 15 minutes.

i then got of the bus and did the awkward fast walk to the station to try and not be noticed by anyone and i went to get my ticket. i had to use the ticket machine because the thought of being on my own talking to someone at the desk for the ticket too hard to do. i then got to the platform worrying i was going to miss the train but luckily i made it with 5 minutes to spare.

the train slowly pulled into the station and i was able to get on there and i found a seat as close to the door as possible and sat by the window and looked out and i was physically shaking and i rang my mum to let her know i was on my way back. i then sat and looked out of the window and worried about the change on the train to switch to go to where i needed to go.

we were pulling into the station and the tanoy said the train is delayed until a space is available for it and i had noticed i hadn’t had much time to try and get to the next train and i got really worried. i started breathing really heavily and started going dizzy.

the train eventually pulled into the station at the time my other train was due to leave i ran of the train worried i left something on the train and i kept running as i didn’t want to miss my sisters birthday but at the same time had the worry that i left something on the train.

luckily the next train was delayed too so i just made it as the door where about to close. i had a horrid feeling i was going to get trapped in the door and that worried me so much. however, i didn’t get trapped thankfully. i went and sat down again close to the door and by a window. not sure why i feel like seeing where i am going makes me feel a little bit better i guess.

we then carried on with the journey then got asked for my ticket. i then panicked again incase i lost my ticket or something was wrong and the lady was being recorded for some training purposes and that made me even more anxious however, because she was being recorded i had to try and keep calm so they didn’t noticed. thinking i would be used door training purposes really worried me. it was horrid on the inside i was breaking down but on the outside i had to act as though this was the best day of my life it really wasn’t.

eventually we got to my stop and i nearly forgot to get of the train but luckily i did just in time. i then had to do a two mile walk from the station to my house and i felt as though everyone was looking at me the whole time. i walked past people i know and a school full of children leaving on study break in year 10/11 (im only guessing this from the time and the fact it was the school a friend of mine went to and this seemed the most possible option).

i eventually got home i was very shaky but glad to have arrived safely. i set up the presents on the table for my little sister and i waited till it was time to pick her up and i spoke to my little brother, mum and nan for a while whilst we had lunch and it made me feel a little bit more relaxed. it was then time to go and get my sister.

i felt a little relaxed knowing where i was going and that i was with my family. we walked to the school gates all was going well and then my nan had a fall and she landed on her face and really hurt herself i panicked then worried about what was going to happen i then stepped up and got someone to get her help got mum to stay with her and went and got my sister.

my sister saw me and she ran up to me and cried she was so happy to see me. i had such a thrill seeing how happy she was to see me and i was so glad she was happy to see me and i feel that this made things all worth while for me to travel down to see her.

we then went over to the doctors and nan got checked luckily it was just bruising and not much else. we then went home and i got my sister to open her present from me and nan and she loved them all and she kept giving me hugs.

then we played some party games and then dad got home and gave presents from our other nan and great grandparents. something didn’t feel right i felt anxious again and i just put it down to me worrying about needing to go back to uni and the journey back. i then watched my sister open her stuff then went to pack my bag again and made sure i had everything i must have checked about 12 times then i walked into the kitchen to my dad telling me that my grandad had died and i just remember crying and i new something wasn’t right.

i at that point felt even worse more anxiety but i needed to get back to uni. with the thought of other things i had to check i had everything again cause i forgot if i had everything or not. i checked another 12ish times and dad rang me a taxi as he didn’t want me to walk in the dark on my own (which i really didn’t want to do myself anyway) i then checked twice more that  i had everything and i said goodbye to my sister which was another horrible thing to do i hate leaving her but i have to to go to uni.

i got into the taxi worried about the journey back and upset about nan and my grandad and i hate being in a car with a stranger on my own as well i was physically shaking i hated every moment of it. i then got to the station early enough to get on the direct train back to uni which wasn’t to bad. i remember a friend of mine ringing me the whole journey back and me upset down the phone to her and i am so grateful for friends like this cause it was really what i needed at this moment.

my friend then offered to pick me up from the station and had a chat in the car on the way back which was lovely so i didn’t have to catch the bus on my own. i then got back to my room by roughly 9pm and my friend stayed till around 10ish and then i got ready for bed and i just couldn’t sleep i had to much going on in my head.

this was supposed to have been the best day seeing my baby sister (the little princess) turn five. however, it turned into an awful day and im glad she had a good day and i am glad i went home to see her as i would never be able to forgive myself if i didn’t go but some of the things that happened i felt awful.

having anxiety isn’t nice and i really do worry that it will effect me in more ways that one i know i managed to get home and back safely and it didn’t harm me physically but i feel i wont be able to go back on my own again because all the stuff that happened that day. i feel as though it was my fault all the bad stuff happened and i felt if i stayed at uni i would have been able to stop the bad stuff from happening.

however since this day i have been trying to think of things more positively and i feel i will eventually get there. i have spoke to the doctors and will probably speak to them again since i feel it isn’t getting any better. i urge people do speak out about these things i know its hard but sometimes it has to be done.

thankyou if you have read this far x

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What to blog about when stuck

everybody gets to a stage in there blog where they get writers block. where they don’t know what to blog about or even when to write it, so in this post i am writing this post with the list of things i have written down to help me understand what to blog about to help you in times of need here are 45 ideas

  1.  favorite restaurants
  2. restaurant reviews
  3. thoughts and feelings
  4. goals
  5. favorites monthly
  6. yearly favorites
  7. to do list
  8. tips for freshures
  9. time i met
  10. story time
  11. recipes
  12. favorite chloths
  13. all about me
  14. pro and cons of uni
  15. pro and cons of work
  16. why i started blogging
  17. things to do before im 21
  18. favorite quotes
  19. rants
  20. opinions
  21. a-z tips
  22. poems
  23. social media
  24. what i blog about
  25. worst or best films
  26. day in photos
  27. who to invite to a dinner party
  28. top 5 fashion items
  29. top 5 makeup items
  30. top 5 sports
  31. last day to live what to do
  32. the time we
  33. giveaways
  34. competitions
  35. top 5 travel destinations
  36. best time to write
  37. top 10 youtubers
  38. top 5 small tubers
  39. top 5 music choices of the week
  40. sitc
  41. day out
  42. week away
  43. memory posts
  44. year in my life
  45. top 5 baking tips

i hope this has helped you out i hope you will find these good to try out.

don’t forget to comment and let me know what you think and also if you have anything else to add to the list i would love to hear from you x

25 facts about me

i did one of these post a while back on my other blog and since writing that post a lot has changed and i am now going to write an updated version of it. i found it very hard back when i originally started this before but i feel it may be easier to complete now my life has moved on a bit and i am now doing more with my day to day self.

1- I am 21 years of age born on the 24th September 1996

2- I am currently in my third year of university at Brookes in England

3- I am mid-way through writing my dissertation research piece

4- I have a boyfriend who is wonderful

5- My favourite foods at the moment is pasta bake and mashed potato

6- I have a love for make-up (some blog post will be made on this so keep a look out)

7- I have to eat a wheat free diet

8- I’m allergic to Aloe Vera

9- My favourite singer of all time is Nathan Sykes

10- I enjoy YouTube, sometimes make videos and also go to Sitc a YouTube convention

11-I still have a love for getting my nails done

12- My favourite or lucky number is 4

13- I have had wonderful opportunities over the past few years and have met amazing people (YouTubers)

14- I enjoy writing my blog and would love it if you were to follow and give this a +1 don’t forget to comment

15- I love all different seasons for different reasons including festivities

16- I have a love for food weather that be cooking or eating out (may have some posts coming up about this)

17- I love going out and keeping busy with friends and boyfriend

18- I love being there for people and supporting them as and when i can

19- My favourite place to be is Brighton when it is warm or just any form of travelling really

20- I have a massive fear of clowns (done a previous post on fears)

21- I love Harry Potter and have a lot of the harry potter clothing, bedding and accessories (post coming soon)

22- I have a puppy (well shes 1 now) a border collie called Misty

23- I make up creations of food and keep a tab and remake them another time great heart warming healthy recipes (will be posted on my blog don’t you worry)

24- I use all social media (i will leave links bellow)

25- I cant wait to have people read and enjoy my post when I’ve finished writing them like this one 🙂

i hope you enjoyed this blog post let me know a fact about you and what you like!

Social Media;

Twitter; @kayzzzz24

Instagram; xxkayleigh96xx

top 10 favourite foods

Everyone has foods in which they really enjoy and mine are some obvious ones which i have mentioned in my blog before and some are ones which you may not know i like.

1- I really enjoy a massive bowl of mash potato i enjoy it creamy with butter and milk and i also make it with three small white potatoes and a single sweet potato and i just love it

2- My love for pasta bake is very high, i get the tomato and herb pasta bake hompride version and cook it the way it says on the jar. however when i add the cheese on i also sprinkle on a little bit of mixed herbs for a bit of flavour (Gluten free pasta)

3- I also really enjoy fajita’s a lot. i make them with pepper, onion, garlic and i do this with my next favourite your about to see as i am unable to have wheat tortillas (i can get gluten free but i prefer it with my next favourite)

4- Rice is another one of my favourites it just goes with anything and everything and i just love that fact it can be flavoured any way you want just adding in your own herbs and spices.

5- Sweetcorn yes i said it sweetcorn i love its taste and its texture and i love putting it in anything such as homemade pie (even my next favourite on my list)

6- I enjoy having mince meat weather it be real mince meat or quorn mince or a mixture of the two (yes i either have meat or vegetarian option or both as a mix i just love the flavour and it works out best for me) i love having all sorts with it such as rice or pasta and it can be put into so many different sauces its just perfect

7- Gravy i have this high love for gravy if i get a little bit peckish i will have gravy and vegetables as a warm snack

8- Chicken is another where ill have the real meat or quorn as i love the taste and i love that it can go with so much taste good and is really good for you as it is full of protien

9- Chocolate orange brownies are a great food that i enjoy my Nan gets them for me and they taste amazing especially when you freeze them and have them cold or even warm with some cream.

10- Mint choc chip ice cream is also a good shoat especially as i can get sore throats a lot and have had bad times with getting tonsillitis a lot throughout my life since i was around 13/14 years old. this also goes well with other foods and also the brownies which i have previously mentioned.

i will have to do top savoury dishes and top sweet dishes. i myself have a very sweet tooth and i enjoy the sweeter options. hope you enjoyed this blog post. let me know what your favourite food is and why