Story time;; TW !!!!a day in my life with anxiety!!!!

it was about a year ago i had to come out of my comfort zone and really look at things a different way and overcome the worry and nervous thoughts of traveling on my own.

i had to come back to uni before my little sisters 5th birthday so i had to try and get back home on my own so that i could see her as i have never missed her birthday and i have never missed any of her developmental stages. it was so hard waking up that morning knowing i had to travel back literally freaked me out.

it was 7:00am and i woke up and i felt as though i was frozen i couldn’t move my whole body felt as though it was stuck and i was only able to blink and think and it was almost like torture. i then took a deep breath in it felt as though i was lying there for days however i was probably only lying there for like 30 mins. i finally picked up the courage to get up. the only thing that made me feel better was the thought of seeing my baby sister who wasn’t expecting to  see me was making me through the day.

i got up and got washed and dressed probably going so slowly cause it took me two hours i then sat back on my bed and laid down and worried about literally everything. like have i packed everything have i got enough time and i literally worried i could have got on the bus sooner but i kept panicking over the silliest of things possible.

i just laid on the bed and i watched YouTube for about 30 mins looked at the clock and though there is a bus in 10 mins but i thought i couldn’t do it carried on watching YouTube. after looking at the time at it being 11:00 i decided i had to go i got everything on and went to the door i stood at the door debating with myself whether i should go or whether i should ring and say i couldn’t make it.

i then took a deep breath in and left i walk to the bus stop and got on the bus. i walked all the way to the back of the bus and sat down worrying that everyone was looking at me and i had these horrid thoughts in my head about why are they looking at me, what have i done, do they know me, i felt so insecure at that point felt like i was on the bus for a lifetime but was only 15 minutes.

i then got of the bus and did the awkward fast walk to the station to try and not be noticed by anyone and i went to get my ticket. i had to use the ticket machine because the thought of being on my own talking to someone at the desk for the ticket too hard to do. i then got to the platform worrying i was going to miss the train but luckily i made it with 5 minutes to spare.

the train slowly pulled into the station and i was able to get on there and i found a seat as close to the door as possible and sat by the window and looked out and i was physically shaking and i rang my mum to let her know i was on my way back. i then sat and looked out of the window and worried about the change on the train to switch to go to where i needed to go.

we were pulling into the station and the tanoy said the train is delayed until a space is available for it and i had noticed i hadn’t had much time to try and get to the next train and i got really worried. i started breathing really heavily and started going dizzy.

the train eventually pulled into the station at the time my other train was due to leave i ran of the train worried i left something on the train and i kept running as i didn’t want to miss my sisters birthday but at the same time had the worry that i left something on the train.

luckily the next train was delayed too so i just made it as the door where about to close. i had a horrid feeling i was going to get trapped in the door and that worried me so much. however, i didn’t get trapped thankfully. i went and sat down again close to the door and by a window. not sure why i feel like seeing where i am going makes me feel a little bit better i guess.

we then carried on with the journey then got asked for my ticket. i then panicked again incase i lost my ticket or something was wrong and the lady was being recorded for some training purposes and that made me even more anxious however, because she was being recorded i had to try and keep calm so they didn’t noticed. thinking i would be used door training purposes really worried me. it was horrid on the inside i was breaking down but on the outside i had to act as though this was the best day of my life it really wasn’t.

eventually we got to my stop and i nearly forgot to get of the train but luckily i did just in time. i then had to do a two mile walk from the station to my house and i felt as though everyone was looking at me the whole time. i walked past people i know and a school full of children leaving on study break in year 10/11 (im only guessing this from the time and the fact it was the school a friend of mine went to and this seemed the most possible option).

i eventually got home i was very shaky but glad to have arrived safely. i set up the presents on the table for my little sister and i waited till it was time to pick her up and i spoke to my little brother, mum and nan for a while whilst we had lunch and it made me feel a little bit more relaxed. it was then time to go and get my sister.

i felt a little relaxed knowing where i was going and that i was with my family. we walked to the school gates all was going well and then my nan had a fall and she landed on her face and really hurt herself i panicked then worried about what was going to happen i then stepped up and got someone to get her help got mum to stay with her and went and got my sister.

my sister saw me and she ran up to me and cried she was so happy to see me. i had such a thrill seeing how happy she was to see me and i was so glad she was happy to see me and i feel that this made things all worth while for me to travel down to see her.

we then went over to the doctors and nan got checked luckily it was just bruising and not much else. we then went home and i got my sister to open her present from me and nan and she loved them all and she kept giving me hugs.

then we played some party games and then dad got home and gave presents from our other nan and great grandparents. something didn’t feel right i felt anxious again and i just put it down to me worrying about needing to go back to uni and the journey back. i then watched my sister open her stuff then went to pack my bag again and made sure i had everything i must have checked about 12 times then i walked into the kitchen to my dad telling me that my grandad had died and i just remember crying and i new something wasn’t right.

i at that point felt even worse more anxiety but i needed to get back to uni. with the thought of other things i had to check i had everything again cause i forgot if i had everything or not. i checked another 12ish times and dad rang me a taxi as he didn’t want me to walk in the dark on my own (which i really didn’t want to do myself anyway) i then checked twice more that  i had everything and i said goodbye to my sister which was another horrible thing to do i hate leaving her but i have to to go to uni.

i got into the taxi worried about the journey back and upset about nan and my grandad and i hate being in a car with a stranger on my own as well i was physically shaking i hated every moment of it. i then got to the station early enough to get on the direct train back to uni which wasn’t to bad. i remember a friend of mine ringing me the whole journey back and me upset down the phone to her and i am so grateful for friends like this cause it was really what i needed at this moment.

my friend then offered to pick me up from the station and had a chat in the car on the way back which was lovely so i didn’t have to catch the bus on my own. i then got back to my room by roughly 9pm and my friend stayed till around 10ish and then i got ready for bed and i just couldn’t sleep i had to much going on in my head.

this was supposed to have been the best day seeing my baby sister (the little princess) turn five. however, it turned into an awful day and im glad she had a good day and i am glad i went home to see her as i would never be able to forgive myself if i didn’t go but some of the things that happened i felt awful.

having anxiety isn’t nice and i really do worry that it will effect me in more ways that one i know i managed to get home and back safely and it didn’t harm me physically but i feel i wont be able to go back on my own again because all the stuff that happened that day. i feel as though it was my fault all the bad stuff happened and i felt if i stayed at uni i would have been able to stop the bad stuff from happening.

however since this day i have been trying to think of things more positively and i feel i will eventually get there. i have spoke to the doctors and will probably speak to them again since i feel it isn’t getting any better. i urge people do speak out about these things i know its hard but sometimes it has to be done.

thankyou if you have read this far x

top 10 favourite foods

Everyone has foods in which they really enjoy and mine are some obvious ones which i have mentioned in my blog before and some are ones which you may not know i like.

1- I really enjoy a massive bowl of mash potato i enjoy it creamy with butter and milk and i also make it with three small white potatoes and a single sweet potato and i just love it

2- My love for pasta bake is very high, i get the tomato and herb pasta bake hompride version and cook it the way it says on the jar. however when i add the cheese on i also sprinkle on a little bit of mixed herbs for a bit of flavour (Gluten free pasta)

3- I also really enjoy fajita’s a lot. i make them with pepper, onion, garlic and i do this with my next favourite your about to see as i am unable to have wheat tortillas (i can get gluten free but i prefer it with my next favourite)

4- Rice is another one of my favourites it just goes with anything and everything and i just love that fact it can be flavoured any way you want just adding in your own herbs and spices.

5- Sweetcorn yes i said it sweetcorn i love its taste and its texture and i love putting it in anything such as homemade pie (even my next favourite on my list)

6- I enjoy having mince meat weather it be real mince meat or quorn mince or a mixture of the two (yes i either have meat or vegetarian option or both as a mix i just love the flavour and it works out best for me) i love having all sorts with it such as rice or pasta and it can be put into so many different sauces its just perfect

7- Gravy i have this high love for gravy if i get a little bit peckish i will have gravy and vegetables as a warm snack

8- Chicken is another where ill have the real meat or quorn as i love the taste and i love that it can go with so much taste good and is really good for you as it is full of protien

9- Chocolate orange brownies are a great food that i enjoy my Nan gets them for me and they taste amazing especially when you freeze them and have them cold or even warm with some cream.

10- Mint choc chip ice cream is also a good shoat especially as i can get sore throats a lot and have had bad times with getting tonsillitis a lot throughout my life since i was around 13/14 years old. this also goes well with other foods and also the brownies which i have previously mentioned.

i will have to do top savoury dishes and top sweet dishes. i myself have a very sweet tooth and i enjoy the sweeter options. hope you enjoyed this blog post. let me know what your favourite food is and why

My top 4 (technically 5) fears

everyone in the world has at least one fear even if they don’t want to admit it!!!! i myself i guess you can say is fairly whimpy as i have a fair few. i feel i may sometimes get a bit muddled with fear and a slight fright but i can be certain that the next five things i have a strong fear against. with any of them i can end up crying, shaking, struggling to breath and its not nice but hopefully one day i can get over them fears and become a better less scared person. i mean yes i get anxiety a lot but i want to try and slowly overcome a few fears eventually so i don’t find it to hard to do things as much as i sometimes do.

number 4 in my list of fears has to be blood!!!!

this is just because it bring memories of horrible times and also its just not a really nice thing. when i see blood i just freak out a little bit and the worst thing i guess about blood is the chance of needles that come with it i just really don’t like that concept at all. yes i’m a woman but just because of that doesn’t mean i should be scared of blood i get told this all the time. i have a fear and i cant help that

number three in my list is spiders!!!!

oh my! just make sure one of those things don’t come near me cause i will scream. no matter what size they are i just cant stand them it just not right nothing in the world should have 8 legs just no! i had what most people would call a tiny money spider on my hand a few weeks back and i screamed so loudly felt so itchy and flung my arms about and had to get in the shower as soon as i possibly could.

number two on my list is heights!!!!

i hate heights so much especially for example if i’m out shopping and i’m on the third floor and all it is between me and seeing the floor is a glass plane i cant go near it i hate looking down it makes me feel sick and i just don’t like it. i also under this would say falling from such heights is something i wouldn’t like at all the fear of that is just so high so i just stay clear and try and avoid it as much as possible (this is technically a fifth fear but as it is linked to this i just wrote it hear).

number one on my list is clowns!!!!

i can’t stand clown to the point i have to run away and i’m crying and shaking unable to breath. the whole concept of the red nose the wig and the ridiculous clothes and shoes i just hate it even just writing this is freaking me out a little bit just because of the idea. i once got chased by a clown with a chainsaw on Halloween and ever since i get so scared. its hard cause clowns are supposed to be funny but i really don’t like them. i got made to watch Stephen Kings it and i cried throughout shaking and i wish i never saw it. if i see a red balloon floating around by itself it freaks me out to the point i need to get as far away as possible form it just in case there is a clown near by. (i understand that clowns can have any kind of balloon but its just the red balloons freak me out the most for some reason). i can even go into a panic attack if i see a clown as my body goes into full shock mode and i just don’t know how to go about it

so what is your fears? and do you agree on anything i have said in my list i would love to hear from you!!!!

my top 10 student life hacks

every student needs some form of life hacks to get by and here are the top ten of mine, they are not in any particular order i just like to have them down as everyone is different and depending on the day and what needs to be done is what depends on what order they are in.

1. 
   Take your lecture notes using different coloured pens…

The use of multiple colours helps map your thought pattern, allowing you to think deeper into the topic. The use of colour helps fire up your visual memory, giving you a greater chance of actually being able to remember what you’ve written.

2. Studying incentive: When you reach a gummy bear you get to eat it.

the more you read the more treats you get just don’t cheat and eat them all in one go!

3. Stock up on Vitamin C

Make sure you get lots of it during Freshers’ Week.Fresher’s Flu is also a very real thing – so stock up on the vitamins and don’t be one of those people coughing over the lecturer’s word

4. Roll all your clothes to save space in your small room
   trust me this works especially if you have little storage or want to take a lot of things on a trip away with you

5. Get well acquainted with recipes you can make using a mug and a microwave.

they are very useful and also taste great. it is perfect especially if you want a quick snack without waiting for ages for them

6. Chew gum.

the act of chewing gum is actually a brain booster. And, since there aren’t severe side effects (like there can be with caffeine) chomping on your favourite flavour is a great study aid.

7. Rewrite your notes by hand.

Go old school and rewrite your notes by hand. When you take the time to rewrite them by hand, you actually learn more effectively than when using your computer, tablet or laptop.

8. Make a cheat sheet you’ll never use.

Though you’ll obviously never use a cheat sheet during an actual exam or quiz, it can help to create one because in order to do so, you’ll need to sift through all of your notes and materials to find the key items and rewrite them on your sheet.

taking effective breaks helps you become a lot more productive throughout the day. however there has been some debate as to different methods of work vs break levels some people say 52 mins work 17 min rest i prefer 45 mins work 20 mins rest but you just have to find something that works out to be the best for you

9. Sleep

yes that’s right I’ve said it, it’s a basic human need that, unfortunately, needs to be stated. Get plenty of rest while studying (and before the test or quiz). Your body needs to sleep to think properly.

10. Take Effective Breaks

Taking effective breaks helps you become a lot more productive throughout the day. however there has been some debate as to different methods of work vs break levels some people say 52 mins work 17 min rest i prefer 45 mins work 20 mins rest but you just have to find something that works out to be the best for you

hope this helps you out if you have any hacks you’d like to add feel free to leave them in the comments.